"The blue ones just help me fall asleep. Slow. Not like the green ones. I dunno how long I'll be out with those," he admits. Sometimes he takes them after he's been going for a few days, just so he can drift off like a normal person.
He lolls his head to look at Tate.
"Or you can just stay here with me and hope I fall asleep the normal way."
"Wouldn't be the first time," Tate murmurs looking down at Kavinsky and remembering not too long ago, when he was putting Kavinsky to bed in this same apartment. Tate settles farther down on his side, laying next to Kavinsky and looking him over - he's not about to give the pills back, but. Staying he can do.
"How are your arms?" He asks, thumbing over the back of Kavinsky's hand - checking in on the status of his paralysis.
"They're fine," he insists with a faint smile. Tate's being downright tender and Kavinsky isn't entirely sure how to feel about it. He likes it, but can he trust it?
He tips his head toward Tate, looking at the space between them as the other boy's thumb brushes his hand. Kavinsky wiggles his fingers a bit like that might prove something. He is tired. There's that, at least.
Tate's stroking of Kavinsky's hand halts when he's asked that question, and he looks up abruptly as if it were a splash of cold water right in his face. Not what he was expecting for a bed time story, so his gaze is uncertain when he looks into Kavinsky's eyes and pinches his brows together.
"Because she was a cunt." He answers, voice - sharper. "Why?"
"Just asking," he answers, soft in the face of sudden sharpness. His fingers brush Tate's like he's trying to soothe him. Maybe not the best topic to start on but Kavinsky's filters are all gone.
He was thinking of his own mother, of the shift between New Jersey and Virginia, when she started getting nosy and all up in his business. He's aware, vaguely, that maybe she just had time all of a sudden: time to be a mom, and she was trying to catch up. But it just felt like an invasion. So he made it stop.
"Been doing this since I was a kid. I don't know if they ever noticed."
Tate's sharpness sticks in his chest but doesn't keep pouring out, because Kavinsky derails it by talking about himself. Tate relaxes, listening, sinking to rest his head down against the crook of his belt arm on the bed. His other hand stays near Kavinsky's, just barely touching.
"I don't know why my mother was ever a mother to begin with," he murmurs - knowing full well that her kids were probably a strong reason why. Not what she planned, not what she expected and not what she wanted. Even him. Tate's lips firmly set together.
"They couldn't do it?" He asks, to turn back to that. "Just... you, how'd you even learn you could do it? How'd you perfect it?"
Kavinsky shakes his head. “Don’t think so, but I don’t know,” he admits. If either of his parents were capable of this, he thinks he would have noticed eventually.
Or maybe not.
He sighs and rubs his cheek a little, almost like he’s fighting sleep.
“I just did it,” he answers. “Vaguely realized what I was doing, I guess. Like, where the stuff I woke up with came from. Didn’t really start practicing shit until I was a little older.”
"Figures, nobody notices the shit you're going through as a kid - my mother never did, either." He murmurs, eyelids low and heavy but sleep's not coming for him yet. He's got to keep watch over Kavinsky, if he decides to drift again. He really just wishes they were talking about literally anything else.
"You're not denying you perfected it though, huh? Egoist." Tate says with a slightly amused snort.
"Gotta be perfect," he murmurs. "It's a skill. Gotta practice to get good at it or weird shit happens."
Kavinsky lolls his head so he can look at Tate. He remembers things he isn't sure he wants to remember and he doesn't like the vulnerable feelings that try to creep in. This is why he likes his pills.
"Made a career out of it, like here. People knew my shit was the best."
Tate picks up on the tail end of Kavinsky's first sentence, blinking his eyes open and more alert. But he tries to soothe Kavinsky with a hand through his hair, anything to coax him into staying in this - blissful limbo, slipping down into sleep. If he wants answers, he's got to keep coaxing, too.
"Some might say you're a cheat, huh." He asks, threading his fingers through Kavinsky's hair and massaging them against his scalp. "What's the weird shit?"
"How's it cheating? Just 'cause I can do it and other people can't." Kavinsky shifts a little bit, but he's feeling sleepy and heavy and it's kind of nice with someone else lying next to him.
He shrugs a little. "Things that don't come out right. Nightmares, sometimes."
"People get jealous of what they can't have, what they can't do." He murmurs, keeping his voice low. He's got Kavinsky where he wants him, lulled to the cusp. Malleable, in a way. Tate keeps playing with his hair, knowing how much of a trigger it is for himself. He hopes it feels as good for Kavinsky.
"What kinda things? It gets all freaky or something?"
"Stick around," he murmurs as Tate's fingers stroke through his hair. It sends pleasant chills down his back and out to his fingertips. "Maybe someday you'll find out."
It's kind of ominous but also true. He's had to deal with night horrors since getting here, with the only exception being at Fort Harmony. Nick's seen one, maybe Tate will, too.
Some people might be alarmed by this - Tate's only intrigued. He keeps toying his fingers through Kavinsky's dark hair, and curls a little bit closer to him as the motions gently stop. He's still not about to sleep, but he can get comfortable here - let his buzz ebb away slowly just like this.
"Doesn't scare me." He says, pulling his hand away from Kavinsky's head to rest it over his chest. "So I guess we'll see."
A sleepy smile tugs at his mouth. "You tell 'em, tiger." It's entirely affectionate and Kavinsky's fingers brush Tate's hand.
Within a few minutes, though, he drifts off. He doesn't have his pills to help him; it takes a while to get deep enough to start dreaming. The picture is there, waiting for him. It's a 5x7, the size most schools send home along with a bunch of wallet-sized photos and shit. Kavinsky picks it up and looks at it for a while, and as he does it changes. Addie's face comes more into focus; Tate's hair and expression change. There. Now it looks like something real. He doesn't give himself time to be nervous - if he doubts then the picture'll get fucked up. If it's not right he'll just try again. But he's pretty sure he's got it: it's everything Tate described, down to the last detail.
When he wakes up again, he feels groggy. He isn't sure how much time has passed - an hour or two? Maybe more? He moves a little, feeling Tate warm against his side.
Tate'd begun to drift, after a bit of time. Just barely hitting snooze, where his senses were alert enough that it didn't qualify as sleep and that that he would - and did - snap back awake when he hears the low sound of Kavinsky's voice. His head nods up, eyes blinking open as he sluggishly pushes up onto his forearm.
"Yeah?" He replies, before sliding his hand down Kavinsky's chest a bit further. He feels - something, and thus sits up a little more. "You did it?"
"How's it look?" he asks, voice still heavy with sleep. He can feel the picture under his hand and he moves it a little so Tate can take it from him.
He's not paralyzed like he gets when he takes his green pills, just kind of groggy and uncoordinated as he tries to wake up more: like coming out of a good nap too soon.
Tate's earlier behavior - the soothing, the pushed compassion, it's missing because Tate's focused on the photo. Kavinsky nudges it and Tate's attention snaps to it, and he sits the rest of the way up in bed. It's hard to see in the goddamn dim light, so he turns on the bedside lamp and looks at the photograph after peeling it away from Kavinsky's body.
It's - He can't say it's identical, because he doesn't really remember. It's been years since he last saw it himself. But he can recognize his face, Addie's too. Anything small or off can be - ignored, because with a sharp intake of breath he's... transfixed with it. Saddened, too.
"It's..." His voice is quiet, eyes staring down. "It's - ah, yeah. It's good."
Kavinsky raises his hand to block the light a little when Tate flicks it on. "Yeah?" he breathes, lowering his hand so he can look at Tate's face.
"I can fix it, if-- yeah."
But Tate seems pretty captured by it, so maybe it's okay. Kavinsky pushes himself to sit up a little bit, leaning back against the pillows and the headboard. He looks over at Tate again.
"It's - I'm good." Tate murmurs, still staring down at the photo for a long few seconds. He looks up to Kavinsky and he's not crying, nor are his eyes particularly wet, but there's an emotion welling in them that's quietly ebbing away. A longing for things he can't have, things he misses. Things he's now lost.
Kavinsky can't handle that look. He moves closer and he slides his hand over Tate's cheek before he leans in to kiss him. Maybe he can't make it go away, but he has to do something.
He pulls back just a little, nudging their foreheads together.
"I'm fine," he assures. "Kinda like waking up from a nap that wasn't long enough, y'knoW?"
Tate's - grateful, but there's also something else in his chest. Something greedy, that latches on to this moment and how good this feels. He has something to remind him of home - a physical object he didn't have before. This is... something he can't forfeit, he realizes. He wants more things, things he can't even picture yet, but Kavinsky's the only way to get it.
He kisses him back, soft at first but then a little more firm with how he presses into it. He needs to keep Kavinsky on his side, willing to do this for him. Whatever it takes. He rests their foreheads together, expression purposely tender. He needs Kavinsky to know how much he appreciates this, after all.
"Then maybe you should keep sleeping," he says quietly, stealing a second short kiss. "I'm not going anywhere, we can just stay like this. Lay back down, get comfy. And get up whenever we want. If we ever want to."
Kavinsky closes his eyes, sinking down beneath the kiss as Tate leans into him. He's not sure if this is for the picture or something else, but he's willing to take it.
"You're staying here?" It's what he wants. Tate usually dances along that line, walks it like a cat. Kavinsky usually just takes what he can get and finds the rest elsewhere but-- he misses having company all the time. A body next to him, warm and living and breathing. He wets his lips and nods a bit after the next kiss.
"Yeah, okay." He slides down, sinking into the nest of pillows and blankets. Kavinsky twists toward Tate and pulls him down, pulls him close.
Tate nods gently, agreeing to stay - he's already this comfortable, there's no sense peeling away again. He might actually fall the rest of the way asleep now. It's always been easier for him when he's near someone. Easier to see what's reality and what's not. He looks at the photo one last time before settling down, sliding it under the pillow for safe keeping.
"Wake me up if the monster under the bed crawls out or whatever," he says offhand, settling down to rest his chin against Kavinsky's shoulder. "But good night. Morning. Whatever the fuck it is; I'm tired."
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He lolls his head to look at Tate.
"Or you can just stay here with me and hope I fall asleep the normal way."
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"How are your arms?" He asks, thumbing over the back of Kavinsky's hand - checking in on the status of his paralysis.
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He tips his head toward Tate, looking at the space between them as the other boy's thumb brushes his hand. Kavinsky wiggles his fingers a bit like that might prove something. He is tired. There's that, at least.
"Why do you think your mom was so fucked up?"
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"Because she was a cunt." He answers, voice - sharper. "Why?"
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He was thinking of his own mother, of the shift between New Jersey and Virginia, when she started getting nosy and all up in his business. He's aware, vaguely, that maybe she just had time all of a sudden: time to be a mom, and she was trying to catch up. But it just felt like an invasion. So he made it stop.
"Been doing this since I was a kid. I don't know if they ever noticed."
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"I don't know why my mother was ever a mother to begin with," he murmurs - knowing full well that her kids were probably a strong reason why. Not what she planned, not what she expected and not what she wanted. Even him. Tate's lips firmly set together.
"They couldn't do it?" He asks, to turn back to that. "Just... you, how'd you even learn you could do it? How'd you perfect it?"
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Kavinsky shakes his head. “Don’t think so, but I don’t know,” he admits. If either of his parents were capable of this, he thinks he would have noticed eventually.
Or maybe not.
He sighs and rubs his cheek a little, almost like he’s fighting sleep.
“I just did it,” he answers. “Vaguely realized what I was doing, I guess. Like, where the stuff I woke up with came from. Didn’t really start practicing shit until I was a little older.”
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"You're not denying you perfected it though, huh? Egoist." Tate says with a slightly amused snort.
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Kavinsky lolls his head so he can look at Tate. He remembers things he isn't sure he wants to remember and he doesn't like the vulnerable feelings that try to creep in. This is why he likes his pills.
"Made a career out of it, like here. People knew my shit was the best."
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"Some might say you're a cheat, huh." He asks, threading his fingers through Kavinsky's hair and massaging them against his scalp. "What's the weird shit?"
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He shrugs a little. "Things that don't come out right. Nightmares, sometimes."
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"What kinda things? It gets all freaky or something?"
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It's kind of ominous but also true. He's had to deal with night horrors since getting here, with the only exception being at Fort Harmony. Nick's seen one, maybe Tate will, too.
"Especially if you sleep in here."
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"Doesn't scare me." He says, pulling his hand away from Kavinsky's head to rest it over his chest. "So I guess we'll see."
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Within a few minutes, though, he drifts off. He doesn't have his pills to help him; it takes a while to get deep enough to start dreaming. The picture is there, waiting for him. It's a 5x7, the size most schools send home along with a bunch of wallet-sized photos and shit. Kavinsky picks it up and looks at it for a while, and as he does it changes. Addie's face comes more into focus; Tate's hair and expression change. There. Now it looks like something real. He doesn't give himself time to be nervous - if he doubts then the picture'll get fucked up. If it's not right he'll just try again. But he's pretty sure he's got it: it's everything Tate described, down to the last detail.
When he wakes up again, he feels groggy. He isn't sure how much time has passed - an hour or two? Maybe more? He moves a little, feeling Tate warm against his side.
"Tate?"
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"Yeah?" He replies, before sliding his hand down Kavinsky's chest a bit further. He feels - something, and thus sits up a little more. "You did it?"
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He's not paralyzed like he gets when he takes his green pills, just kind of groggy and uncoordinated as he tries to wake up more: like coming out of a good nap too soon.
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It's - He can't say it's identical, because he doesn't really remember. It's been years since he last saw it himself. But he can recognize his face, Addie's too. Anything small or off can be - ignored, because with a sharp intake of breath he's... transfixed with it. Saddened, too.
"It's..." His voice is quiet, eyes staring down. "It's - ah, yeah. It's good."
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"I can fix it, if-- yeah."
But Tate seems pretty captured by it, so maybe it's okay. Kavinsky pushes himself to sit up a little bit, leaning back against the pillows and the headboard. He looks over at Tate again.
"You okay?"
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"How are you feeling?"
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He pulls back just a little, nudging their foreheads together.
"I'm fine," he assures. "Kinda like waking up from a nap that wasn't long enough, y'knoW?"
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He kisses him back, soft at first but then a little more firm with how he presses into it. He needs to keep Kavinsky on his side, willing to do this for him. Whatever it takes. He rests their foreheads together, expression purposely tender. He needs Kavinsky to know how much he appreciates this, after all.
"Then maybe you should keep sleeping," he says quietly, stealing a second short kiss. "I'm not going anywhere, we can just stay like this. Lay back down, get comfy. And get up whenever we want. If we ever want to."
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"You're staying here?" It's what he wants. Tate usually dances along that line, walks it like a cat. Kavinsky usually just takes what he can get and finds the rest elsewhere but-- he misses having company all the time. A body next to him, warm and living and breathing. He wets his lips and nods a bit after the next kiss.
"Yeah, okay." He slides down, sinking into the nest of pillows and blankets. Kavinsky twists toward Tate and pulls him down, pulls him close.
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"Wake me up if the monster under the bed crawls out or whatever," he says offhand, settling down to rest his chin against Kavinsky's shoulder. "But good night. Morning. Whatever the fuck it is; I'm tired."