Nothing has ever been given to him. Not love, not affection, not understanding. He's had to take it, because if he asks for it there's a chance the answer will be no, and he can't-- He can't. When something is at his fingertips, he grabs for it.
He thinks of the number times he's made himself a Ronan in dreams, only to leave him there. He doesn't want a forgery. He wants the fierce creature with a dark streak, the one that rolls up next to him on empty nights, the one that knows what it feels like to create something from nothing.
Kavinsky stares at Adam, dark and fierce and hungry.
He doesn't know why he bothers. Kavinsky and Ronan are both so determined to be miserable. As if they didn't have each other all along. Fake contract or not, the only person in the world who might have understood Adam still tore away from him and fled right into Kavinsky's arms at the first opportunity. Adam will always be alone, but as long as Kavinsky's alive, he and Ronan will have one another.
Inhaling sharply through his nose, Adam turns away and sets his jaw. "I'm gonna go now."
Kavinsky can't forget the words branded on him the day Ronan left. It was never gonna be me and you. Why is it so fucking easy for people to walk away? Adam has gotten under his skin like Ronan's under his skin and he's angry but he doesn't want him to leave.
Kavinsky moves like he might try to block Adam from getting off the bed. "You said you'd stay."
Adam stops, his gaze flicking back to Kavinsky. "You don't want me here," he says, although his inflection seems to stress only You don't want me.
Which he knows, and has known, and has accepted as the reality when it comes to both Kavinsky and Ronan. But that increasingly leaves him wondering what he's doing here, or anywhere, with either of them. Neither of them would ever choose him first.
He stares at Adam, meeting his gaze and holding it like he's searching for something.
"Yeah. I do."
Kavinsky doesn't know exactly when it happened but he can't dig it out now.
The fireworks and chaos are fading and he wants-- he wants to fall asleep listening to anything other than himself. He thinks of the pile of bodies he'd collapse into after parties: his boys, or anyone else he could grab and hold onto. Tangled limbs and quiet breathing. Not dreaming alone.
Whatever Kavinsky may be searching for, what he finds is Adam's cold determination to need nothing and no one. Privately, he vows to never look at someone the way Kavinsky's looking at him right now. He would rather spend the rest of his life alone than beg someone to stay with him.
As long as Kavinsky's insisting on his company, though, Adam intends to follow through with his original promise. He may be completely replaceable, but he's the one who's here.
Relenting, he sits back and reaches to tug Kavinsky toward him so that they can lie together. "If you hit me," he says, "I'm never coming back."
The tension eases in his shoulders when Adam sits back. Kavinsky grabs a pillow on the way so he can stuff it behind his back, propping himself up. He lolls his head to look at Adam when he gives that particular warning. He's almost disappointed: a fight can be great foreplay.
"Noted."
He wonders if that has anything to do with the stories he heard flying around Aglionby or if it's a line Adam's chosen. He thinks, briefly, of the demise of Kavinsky Sr and all that led up to it.
"A change of clothes," Adam mumbles, shutting his eyes. He'd been filthy before they even got to the apartment, thanks to their tussling at the party.
Curling around Kavinsky, Adam drapes an arm across his belly and holds on in a loose embrace. He feels awful. He doesn't want to be here. But at least it's July 5 and Kavinsky's still alive. That makes one successful accomplishment.
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He thinks of the number times he's made himself a Ronan in dreams, only to leave him there. He doesn't want a forgery. He wants the fierce creature with a dark streak, the one that rolls up next to him on empty nights, the one that knows what it feels like to create something from nothing.
Kavinsky stares at Adam, dark and fierce and hungry.
He's not something you'll never have.
"Don't ever fucking do that to me again."
no subject
He doesn't know why he bothers. Kavinsky and Ronan are both so determined to be miserable. As if they didn't have each other all along. Fake contract or not, the only person in the world who might have understood Adam still tore away from him and fled right into Kavinsky's arms at the first opportunity. Adam will always be alone, but as long as Kavinsky's alive, he and Ronan will have one another.
Inhaling sharply through his nose, Adam turns away and sets his jaw. "I'm gonna go now."
no subject
Kavinsky moves like he might try to block Adam from getting off the bed. "You said you'd stay."
no subject
Which he knows, and has known, and has accepted as the reality when it comes to both Kavinsky and Ronan. But that increasingly leaves him wondering what he's doing here, or anywhere, with either of them. Neither of them would ever choose him first.
no subject
"Yeah. I do."
Kavinsky doesn't know exactly when it happened but he can't dig it out now.
The fireworks and chaos are fading and he wants-- he wants to fall asleep listening to anything other than himself. He thinks of the pile of bodies he'd collapse into after parties: his boys, or anyone else he could grab and hold onto. Tangled limbs and quiet breathing. Not dreaming alone.
no subject
As long as Kavinsky's insisting on his company, though, Adam intends to follow through with his original promise. He may be completely replaceable, but he's the one who's here.
Relenting, he sits back and reaches to tug Kavinsky toward him so that they can lie together. "If you hit me," he says, "I'm never coming back."
no subject
"Noted."
He wonders if that has anything to do with the stories he heard flying around Aglionby or if it's a line Adam's chosen. He thinks, briefly, of the demise of Kavinsky Sr and all that led up to it.
"You want anything while I'm out, Parrish?"
no subject
Curling around Kavinsky, Adam drapes an arm across his belly and holds on in a loose embrace. He feels awful. He doesn't want to be here. But at least it's July 5 and Kavinsky's still alive. That makes one successful accomplishment.